Question #150: How do I make my neighbor fall in love with me even though he thinks I'm a lesbian only for the purpose that his wife wont murder me?

A. I am not sure if I understand the question, but just be sure to vote for Hillary and the wife won't suspect a thing.

Question #149: I've been wondering can anyone give me a website that can tell me how long 2x4's have been 1.5x3.5.

A. Ever since building codes were implemented. At least the last 50 years.

Question #148: I have noticed on almost every abandoned house, building etc. that there is a spray painted phrase on the outside reading either:

A. This is a strange one. Apparantly he is a camper. Here is what I found.

Question #147: Hey Italian Stallion!! I just had a little situation I needed some help with....Last weekend, I went to a party for a friend who just came home from over-seas, he is in the Navy. Well, we were all partying pretty good, I was really drunk and when I went to leave, out-of-the-blue, he asked me to spend the night with him. We have been friends for a really long time, he is younger than I and friends with my little brother, so, it was weird. very flattering cause he is pretty hot, but I have a boyfirend. My question is this...do I chalk this up to "We were drunk and he just got off a boat after being trapped there with a bunch of guys" or do I look into it more? I know women tend to way over analyze these situations, when usually it's just because the guy wants to get laid. But, what do you think? Should I act differently around him?

A. How come chicks rarely go for younger guys? No, don't act differently around him. Chalk it up to being drunk. But you can make comments that will make him uncomfortable when your brother is around.

Question #146: Me gusta cerdar la cuba de las chicas calientes. Any advice?

A. Yeah, those Cuban chicks are hot. Try Florida.

Question #145: Why do people say that sex stinks?

A. Depends on the chick.

Question #144: hi there when i masterbate sometimes it goes over my testicle area and then after washing my hands my testicle area becomes itchy can that happen?? and also Whats dry and clammy round the testicle area ive been digansed with dry and clammy testicle sack any help would be appreciated

A. I am a big fan of shea butter.

Question #143: What should i get this girl stacia for her birthday?

A. Banana Man Swag

Question #142: When cutting mat board do you find it easier to use an x-acto knife or box cutter. (no plane jokes please)

A. Hey, all my jokes are pretty plane!!! Use the x-acto.

Question #140: Is there a way to legally approach hot girls and ask them if they would like to be photographed for my porn website? I have one cheek that is still swollen from the last time. I have tried being cocky and being shy nothing works, so far the content on my site consists of two ugly girls and my ball sac being shaved. Any suggestions?

A. This will take some time and dedication on your part. First of all, make sure you dress and act professional. Then I would put together a portfolio that you can show prospective clients. Now showing them two ugly chicks and your scrotum is not going to close the deal for you, so you will have to embellish your resume a bit until you are more successful.

Question #139: Are you familiar with the practice of Jelqing? I just read an article and wondered if it really works, I mean, not that I need to but maybe it wouldn't hurt right?

A. Oh, it could definitely hurt so be careful. There has only been one actual study on this exercise, and it was done in the 80s with only 7 men. So it is not real scientific. If you are going to try, read very thoroughly. Do not pay any money for any books or videos though. And if you are going to attach any devices, please consult a doctor first.

Question #138: I don't know very much about websites, or HTML but I want to learn. Any good resources you could recommend, and also, which is better: dreamweaver or GoLive?

A. I recommend Matt's Script Archive and Notepad.

Question #137: HOW YOUNG IS TOO YOUNG AND HOW OLD IS TOO OLD??

A. Here at DeerCrack we have very strict guidelines on this subject: 8 to 80, blind or crazy.

Question #136: Know of anywhere online or otherwise that I could get a cheap new computer at. Something that isn't top of the line, but something decent. Any help would be appreciated.

A. My basement.

Question #135: I am a huge Joan Jett fan and I was wondering if you guys are still in touch with her. I wanted to get some advice on how to contact long lost rockers. Surely she has come down from her high horse after being out of the spotlight for so long. I just want to buy her a Hamms in a can and tell her how hot her fist pumps were.

A. Dude, last time I saw her she was bald, so it will be better to just fantasize about her.

Question #134: Well, I went out with a few of my friends over the weekend to see this awesome band. Well, anyways I was feeling pretty shitty, but decided to go anyway. Then my friend's roomate thought it would be funny to put sugar packets into my water. I am sure it was funny up until I stopped him around the tenth packet because my water tasted like shit-hole. Dr. DeerCrack, what should I do to get this guy back? He is asking for it ain't he? I hope he knows that it is the quiet ones you have to watch out for! Watch your back buster!!!!!

A. I think you should give the guy a lapdance the next time you are out. That will solve all your problems.

Question #133: I want to write a book about car thieves who travel back in time and start a carriage stealing ring in 19th century Europe. The hero is named Mortimer P. Cutlery and is a master of disguises using tupperware he fashions into pantaloons. I have heard a lot about e-publishing or publishing on demand, any advice on what, where, how this is done?

A. I typed in a your request at Google and got the following websites:

Cafe Press
iUniverse
Xlibris
Book Publisher

Question #132: I was recently playing a friendly game of the latest version of Trivial Pursuit, and it claimed that the Pledge of Allegiance was 22 words long. All of us recited the Pledge and found it to be a lot longer than that. I know you are smarter than those people at Trivial Pursuit so please tell me what gives.

A. The original Pledge of Allegiance was meant as an expression of patriotism. It was written in 1892 by the socialist Francis Bellamy, a cousin of the famous radical writer Edward Bellamy. He devised it for the popular magazine Youth's Companion on the occasion of the nation's first celebration of Columbus Day. Its wording omitted reference not only to God but also, interestingly, to the United States:

"I pledge allegiance to my flag and the republic for which it stands, one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

It could be changing again soon. On March 24, the Supreme Court heard oral argument in Elk Grove United School District v. Newdow. Michael A. Newdow, the atheist who filed the suit, argued that inclusion of the phrase "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance violates the First Amendment, which requires the separation of church and state.

Question #131: I sorely need deercrack advice. I am sure you are familiar with the movie National Lampoon's European Vacation, well I have a dilema. You know the scene where Chevy takes his wife to see "paris culture" where it's actually just topless aerobics and they find Russ drunk with a hooker? Well there is a french disco song that is being played throughout that scene and I CAN"T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD! For like two weeks now I have this damn song stuck. So I need advice on where to find this song, what it's called etc. I need to hear it again or I am going to go insane and jam dull No 2 pencils into my eye sockets.

A. I have no idea what that song is. Any faithful DeerCrack readers know what it is? The current theory is that these "ear worms" are caused by your mind not knowing the actual lyrics to a song, and it is trying to figure them out. I have found that singing "God Save The Queen" can clear any song out of your head though.

Question #130: I think Hugh Hefner, although old and a joker now, was a brilliant visionary in his day. I mean the guy created a publishing empire with himself at the center where he gets to pork hot girls in their 20's until he dies. I was wondering if deercrack could give me some advice on how to get there from here, and if it is even possible now given the changes in mass media and pop culture in todays American society?

A. Yeah, obviously I have not figured this one out. My idea was this website.

Question #129: Which is better: deep dish or cracker thin pizza crust. And why?

A. When it comes to pizza, as well as other things, I think variety is pretty important. If you get the same thing on your pizza EVERY time you order, then I don't think you really like pizza. If you are making me choose though, I would say deep dish is better because I am on the high carb diet.

Question #128: Is alcohol really necessary?

A. Yesh.

Question #127: What should a girl do if a guy only wants her for sex?

A. Drink lots of alcohol. This will help relax you and clear your mind, and then the answer will be obvious.

Question #126: How did you write the games on the Banana Man page?

A. Just like everything else on this website, I copied them from somewhere else and then modified them.

Question #125: Can you post the Guitar tab for the Quiznos sub song? I especially like the part where they interject "they have a pepper bar!" now that's good commercial!

A. We aim to please here at DeerCrack. Now you can impress your friends!

Title: We Like Tha Moon
Artist: Joel and Alex Veitch

The entire song:

E A B
C#m A B

Question #124: how do you ask if a girl is fat without blowing your chances with her?

A. Tell her that you like a girl that has meat on her bones. If she is skinny she will tell you she has no meat on her bones. If the girl is fat she will be very excited, and then you can run. If she actually does just have a little meat on her bones, then it will sound like a compliment but will still lower her self esteem making it all the easier for you.

Question #123: Have you heard of the practice of eating the placenta? (i got this question from a friend in BIO)

A. Yes, I think it is insane too. A lot of animals do this I think because it eliminates the smell of blood so that predators won't be able to find a helpless newborn or its weakened mother. Hopefully we don't have to be too worried about that sort of thing.

Placenta Recipes
(Mothering Magazine, September 1983, Vol. 28, pg 76)
Each placenta weighs approximately 1/6 of the baby's weight. Cut the meat away from the membranes with a sharp knife. Discard the membranes.

Placenta Cocktail: 1/4 cup raw placenta, 8oz V-8 juice, 2 ice cubes, 1/2 cup carrot. Blend at high speed for 10 seconds

Placenta Lasagne: Use your favorite lasagne recipe and substitute this mixture for one layer of cheese. In 2 tbl. olive oil, quickly saute meat of 3/4 placenta, ground or minced plus 2 sliced cloves of garlic, 1/2 tsp. oregano, 1/2 diced onion & 2 tbl. tomato paste, or 1 whole tomato.

Placenta Spaghetti: Cut meat of 3/4 placenta into bite size pieces, then brown quickly in 1 tbl. butter plus 1 tbl. oil. Then add 1 large can tomato puree, 2 cans crushed pear tomatoes, 1 onion, 2 cloves of garlic, 1 tbl. molasses, 1 bay leaf, 1 tbl. rosemary, 1 tsp. ea. of salt, honey, oregano, basil, and fennel. Simmer 1 1/2 hours.

Placenta Stew: Meat of 3/4 placenta in bite size chunks, 1 potato (cubed), 1/4 cup fresh parsley, 2 carrots, 3 ribs celery, 1 zucchini, 1 large tomato, 1 small onion. Dredge meat in 1 tbl. flour mixed with 1 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp. paprika, pinch of cloves, pinch of pepper, 6-8 crushed coriander seeds. Saute meat in 2 tbl. oil, then add vegetables (cut up) and 4-5 cups of water. Bring to full boil, then simmer for 1 hour.

Placenta Pizza: Grind placenta. Saute in 2 tbl. olive oil with 4 garlic cloves, then add 1/4 tsp fennel, 1/4 tsp. pepper, 1/4 tsp paprika, 1/4 tsp. salt, 1/2 tsp. oregano, 1/4 tsp. thyme, and 1/4 cup of wine. Allow to stand for 30 minutes, then use with your favorite home made pizza recipe. It's a fine placenta sausage topping.

Bon appetit! I think DeerCrack has sunk to a brand new low!

Question #122: Should I trust what the magic 8 ball tells me?

A. Ask again later.

Question #121: I am pregnant and I want to induce this naturally, what are some of the best ways recommended to do this? I heard that some massage techniques are good what are they?

A. Well, there are a few techniques to help induce labor, though I have never been a part of any of them... First, make sure you are at least 40 weeks pregnant or overdue before trying any of these.

Having sex, as uncomfortable as it might be for both people late in pregnancy is one of the best things to get your labor going. Semen contains prostaglandins which can stimulate contractions. A double dose might give you even better results.

As crazy as it sounds to me, women have been using castor oil for ages. Apparently it causes spasms or something in the intestines which surround the uterus. Try it with eggs or orange juice.

And then my favorite technique is nipple stimulation. Not to take the magic out of that, but this brings about the release of oxytocin, which is the natural form of pitocin. Oxytocin causes contractions, which sometimes evolve into labor.

Remember, if your body isn't prepared to go into labor, you can try as much as your heart desires, but you will only frustrate yourself.

Question #120: Which is better, Blue or Green?

A. Blue. No, wait... Green.

Question #119: there is this guy that i talk to and he wants a picture, and he wants it now. i don't even know how to use my digital camera, let alone take a picture of myself. and he is sooo obsessed about it...like he is afraid i have 3 heads, or maybe 1/2 of a siamese twin. what should i do?

A. Ah, the joys of internet romance. I am sure this is exactly what Al Gore had in mind when he invented it. Getting a picture is really not all that hard to do. You could actually mail him a picture, but that sort of defeats the purpose of the internet. You could have a friend(possibly male) help you out with learning your new camera. Or you could take a photo to a friend's house who has a scanner, or even go to the library and use their scanner.

Question #118: Can i say asshole on this web site?

A. No.

Question #117: What is the best cut of Venison?

A. Back-straps.

Question #116: My tallywhacker bends to the right, while I have had many compliments from the scores of women I have bedded down, I am still extremely self conscious about it. Any advice on how to make it look straighter? I have tried tying a splint to it, and also using vertical striped boxers to make it look straighter nothing has helped...

A. Just keep it swinging...

Question #115: I am from Lithuania. After watching US tv for alot weeks. I wanted know how to get on US tv. I think tv is fun and I would look good my parents. You seem very in wrestling like gay boys but not? Just wondering?

A. You need to start out by getting exposure. I reccomend sending in lots of pics for the Babe page.

Question #114: If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only bring one of the following people with you, but you HAD to choose one who would it be and why? I am writing a paper for my sons 4th grade class:

1. Rosie O'Donnell
2. Nicole Ritchie
3. Barbara Bush
4. Gary Ridgeway
5. Tammy Faye
6. Anna Nicole Smith (before trim-spa)
7. Betty White
8. That skank from Sex in the City
9. Don Mattingly
10. Billy Ray Cyrus (right after ABH)

Question #113: I was checking out your babe page and I started to feel a movement in my special purpose. I was just wondering, do you know all of those hotties or are they just some skanks who sent in a photo of themselves. If you do know them can I get in touch with some of them and possibly take some revealing photographs?

A. I know most of the babes that have sent in photos. But no, that page is not a "hit list". Some of them do have their e-mails on there, but I have not yet heard of a success story associated with it. And if you search the site real hard, you might find one rather revealing photo of one of the babes...

Question #112: My roommate and I were having an argument about how you pronounce the word: caramel. He says its CARE-A-MEL I say it's CAR-MUL, can you give me some advice on how to steal money from his wallet while he is sleeping?

A. You are right in your pronunciation. Here is the dictionary guide:

'kär-m&l; 'kar-&-m&l, -"mel

\a\ as a in ash
\ä\ as o in mop
\e\ as e in bet

So you can see that his pronunciation is also considered acceptable since it is listed as a second variation. The way you win this argument is by explaining that the reason it was listed second is because it was NOT LISTED FIRST!

Question #111: I have this friend that I've invited to join me at the bar in Lansing Michigan. I've at least once joined him for a fantastic night of drinking and live entertainment, and feel it is time for him to come see the darker side of entertainment.

A. I suggest you make the effort to see your friend even it means visiting him before he makes it to lovely mid-Michigan. If he is truly a friend he will eventually return the favor. If he does not then perhaps you could visit him one more time and buy him too many shots of Aftershock...

Question #110: Maybe you could tell me why most guys seem to think that time equals good sex. Really now, none of us girls want to think that our guy is thinking about Janet Reno while he's being intimate with us just so he can last longer. If you are kissing and having foreplay for an hour before hand, and give your girl a good mind shattering orgasm, ten minutes is fine. Quality over how long it takes. So I guess my question is where did the myth that taking a long time equals great sex start? And secondly, what are some good signs that a guy is interested for more than just a good time?

A. Okay, certainly time does not necessarily equate good sex. I can recall what seems like an eternity of misery. But most women are impressed if a guy can last even 10 minutes. A good sign that a guy is actually interested in you is if he calls you after you have had sex.

Question #109: I was wondering....I have been dreaming about "Banana Man"...and dude...these are GOOD dreams if you know what I mean. Is he single? Does he like southern chicks? Oh my...just talking about him makes me have to take a cold shower.

A. Yes. Banana Man is an ALL AGES comic! But feel free to send your dreams to the dream page for analysis.

Question #108: i was wondering if you could help or have any special tips on how to make love last longer i only have 10 mins but touching and kissing is about an hour any tips on how to make love making longer?? any tips would be appericated thanks

A. I won't beat around the bush on this one... First, it helps if you are italian. Second, looking at things from a reproductive perspective, early release is not a major problem. Lasting longer in bed serves no known genetic function. It is something that we must learn to do, as opposed to being innate. Orgasm consists of two stages. The first begins with the prostate gland, which encircles the urethra like a tiny donut above the base of the penis. This contracts and releases its fluids, along with the contents of the seminal vesicle, into the urethra. The second phase occurs when the pelvic muscle contracts strongly around the bulb, forcing the fluid out under considerable pressure. You should learn and be able to predict when the orgasm will occur. This will prevent it from creeping up on you and taking you by surprise. This will also help you do what is necessary to prevent you from reaching the point of no return. Many people are not aware of it, but proper breathing can help develop ejaculatory control. This is because taking a few deep breaths can help you relax and calm the arousal and tension that leads to quick ejaculations. Or just think about Janet Reno.

Question #107: I just went to see Return of the King. I thought it was a great movie and Peter Jackson is an f-ing ninja for rocking out that trilogy so hard. However, I need some advice. I wanted to name my first born son Bilbo, but my wife things that it is too close to dildo. I don't want my son referred to in a masturbatory manner. Why did J.R.R. name that character such a crappy name?

A. Tell your wife that she should be glad that you are not naming your child after one of Bilbo's parents whose names were Bungo and Belladonna.

Question #106: Is It Possible to be Circumcised 2 times cause i went to the doctors i had a problem earlier he said my foreskin was cracked? Please can you explain what he ment by cracked foreskin please do ya have any information?

A. You may have a skin condition like eczema, which could account for decreased skin flexibility. Trying a mild hydrocortisone (1%--OTC) may help, along with lubrication (vaseline) and gentle retraction of the foreskin.

Question #105: My girlfriend broke up with me because I smoke now what can I do to make it up to her and how can I stop smokin. And what should I do to get her back.

A. Quitting smoking should show her how serious you are. I wish I had the answer for how to quit smoking though. Pain is always a good motivator. Anytime you want a cigarette, smack yourself in the crotch with a rubber mallet. I bet it won't take long for you to not want a cigarette anymore.

Question #104: do you believe that when you meet "the one" you will just know it? how soon?

A. Hopefully I can get back to you on this one.

Question #103: Which website would you prefer to be the sponsor the Olympics, ZooZource.Info or Google or Yahoo ???

A. Would anyone like to start a petition to get DeerCrack as the official sponsor of the Olympics? I think the WWE would be a great sponsor.

Question #102: I was in San Francisco a couple of weeks back and happened to run into Subway's Jared while i was at fisherman's Wharf. A large crowd had gathered around him and he was signing peoples combo meal bags. When I asked him to sign my fat belly so I could use it as constant inspiration to better myself he said "Come on man,, this isn't Howard Stern" Like he was some big shot that was too good to sign my ginormous stomach. What a prick!! So I spit in his face and ran away. Now I can't drive past a subway without wanting to eat 28 white castles. What can I do?

A. I would think that anyone who eats 28 White Castles would be deterred from ever going there again. Whenever I feel like the blood is just flying through my arteries too fast I will take a trip to White Castle, and I am in pain after about 6. If you are really that upset with Jared, then you can always go to Quizno's or Jimmy John's. I recommend the Billy Club or the Beach Club at JJ's. Or Panera Bread! That is a great place too. Get the Chicken Salad on 9 grain wheat bread.

Question #101: Why do we find toilet seats in homes that are oval with no part of the seat missing but in public restrooms there is always that one section missing??

A. The reason for U-shaped public toilet seats is that men are slobs. They are slobs in the bathroom, and even more so when in a public bathroom. The relevant male apparatus being located in front makes the front of the toilet the most soiled. Some genius decided to take that part of the seat out, and it is now an industry standard.