Question #50: My boyfriend is obssessed with Ninjas. I don't understand this at all but the only thing he cares about is how sweet ninjas are. He makes his own t-shirts that say: Ninjas are totally sweet, or I heart ninjas. When I come home from work he jumps out of the closet and screams at me trying to foot sweep me onto my back so that he can sniff me and run up stairs. He is so weird I can't tell if he is joking or seriously loves kick ass ninjas. How can I tell?

A. It seems only appropriate that the 50th question answered here have to do with something as cool as ninjas. If you want to be able to tell if your boyfriend is serious or not, take a picture of yourself doing something ninja-like and see how he reacts.

Question #49: I have been playing guitar for about 4 years now and while I am fairly good at the standard tuning chords i can't seem to get two things down: playing standing up as opposed to sitting, and barre chords!! I just can't seem to do either. I feel when I am playing standing up my hand is cocked in a weird position, and the same goes for barre chords, any advice for a dude that is trying to get his rock on?

A. Practice and alcohol.

Question #48: Whenever I sneeze it is so loud that I shock anyone who is around me. While I have tried to muffle it or make less noise nothing seems to work, and I feel best when I just let it rip. Lately it has gotten so bad that I have had the police called on me several times after a allergy attack in the middle of the night (I live in an apartment). Is there anyway to sneeze quietly because I have not heard of any...

A. Not without your eyeballs shooting out of your head. I have heard that for some people if you take your first finger and apply it horizontally with a little pressure directly underneath the nose to the area between the nose and the upper lip it will stop the sneeze reflex 9 out of 10 times.

Upon further research, this method has also been known to alleviate leg cramps and induce labor. Oh wait, it is a foot massage that can induce labor. Go figure.

Question #47: In photoshop can you explain the concept of an alpha channel, what are they and why are they used. Recently I was told to prepare a file that contained an alpha channel and I told the guy WTF are you talkiing about freak.

A. A Photoshop file can have 24 channels. Some of the channels will be used by the color space. For example, RGB will take up three channels (red, green, and blue), leaving 21 channels that can be used as alpha channels.

Alpha channels are masks through which you can apply effects. The alpha channel is an 8-bit channel, which means it has 256 levels of gray from 0 (black) to 255 (white). White acts as the selected area; black acts as the protected area. The level of gray in between determines the level of exposure. For example, 50 percent gray allows for 50 percent exposure. Alpha channels are basically specialized selection processes.

When you use the selection tools, you are segregating a portion of the image to be modified. The actual selection process does nothing to the image. It's the application of a filter, adjustment control, or any other modification through that selection that will affect the image. This is the same concept behind the alpha channel. It is merely a selection to expose the image for an effect to be applied.

The beauty of these alpha channels is that they can be saved, modified, or combined to create special effects. When you use the Lasso, you make a selection. When you deselect, the selection is gone. If you Save Selection (Select > Save Selection), it is sent to an alpha channel that can be recalled as many times as you need.

You can paint right in the alpha channel with any of the tools. Filters also work in the alpha channels. This opens the door to a multitude of possible effects. Keep in mind that you are making modifications to a mask and not the image. Through that mask, modifications will later be made to the image. When you paint, you use shades of gray. There are no colors available in the alpha channel because it is not an image, or part of the image.

When you save a selection, you are given the choice to send it to a new document. This will send it to a separate file that can be accessed when you choose Load Selection (Select > Load Selection) to call up an alpha channel. Saving alpha channels to a new document lets you have thousands of alpha channels.

Question #46: I want to know why guys like blonde chicks so much. I am a brunette and I think I am attractive but when ever I go out with my blonde friends they get all the attention. I have even started to change my behavior in public just to get some attention from guys.Sometimes I will deepthroat a carrot or I will yell out really loud GOD I NEED SOMEONE TO TEABAG ME TONIGHT! Occasionally I will have my shirt accidently fly open, or talk loudly about how much I love mishapen cranks, nothing works for me. Instead my blonde friends get all the tool they want and I am stuck with whatever produce is at the bottom of my fridge at night, Brunettes are hot too!!!

A. Different guys have different tastes. Some guys do prefer brunettes. Don't worry about it so much, and you will have all the guys you need too. Could you please send me your blond friends' phone numbers though please?

Question #45: My boyfriends friends call me butter face, and I don't get it. No matter how many times I ask them they won't tell me what this means. Every time I walk in the room they say here comes butter face and laugh histerically. Help I am desperate, what does this phrase mean?!?

A. Butter face is not a good thing. At least they did not say you have summer teeth.

Question #44: I have a bulldog who is 3 years old. I love him so much but he HUMPS everything in sight. I have caught him humping furniture, a big wheel, a cat, tree stump, young child, a pair of ice skates, frozen food, a car battery, mailman, a dictionary, circular saw, 2 x 4, birthday cake, an open package of jolly ranchers and my vintage NES Mike Tyson's Punchout cartrigde. All of this is unacceptable, what can I do?

A. Has this dog been fixed? I recommend grinding up some habanero peppers and sprinkling that on whatever you do not want him humping. That should be uncomfortable enough for him, or at least he will be in for a big surprise the next time he cleans himself...

Question #43: Please help! I am looking for a skinny Italian guy who loves comic books and tennis. He must also play guitar but not very well and know all the lyrics to American Pie. Also it would help if his sense of humor was odd and he was familiar with the Central Michigan/ Mt Pleasant area (I am currently a TA at Central).I love bananas and long walks to the malt shop. Do you know anyone like this that might want to me a hot young german girl with an unstoppable libido and a large collection of lingerie?

A. You know, with those high standards you are looking for it is going to be very hard to find the perfect person. For instance, I almost fit that description, but not perfectly: I play guitar very well.

Question #42: My husband asked me to shave his balls and crank last night and after I did we had amazing sex. But later I started to think that it might be wrong for a dude to shave his junk, now all he does is bitch about it itching all the time and I can't help but think about Home Alone everytime I go down there. What is your take on the concept of man-trimming...

A. Men are supposed to be hairy. He will get used to it though, and the itching won't be so bad. But you could try just trimming and not shaving all the way to the stump.

Question #41: I enjoy drinking large amounts of alcohol and watching hiliarity ensue. lately I have started to wake up in the morning and remember nothing of the previous night, zip, zilch, I can't even remember where it began and ended. I have never drank and drove, and so far no coyotes in my bed, but is there a way I can keep my memory of the evening without sacrificing the LARGE amounts of hard liquor that get me there in the first place, (and don't tell me to buy a camera) I tried that three times and I either leave it behind somewhere or it gets broken, too expensive to try again.

A. I hope you trust your friends. Have one of them bring a camera.

Question #40: My boyfriend is extremely jealous and I feel that I can't dress the way I want or go to places that I want without him getting all upset and making me feel like a slut. I have a thong bikini that I like to wear when we go to the beach or to a pool and he almost has a heart attack when he sees me in it and immediately tells me to change. I am very slim and attractive so I don't think it is a bad thing to show off my body. Any advice on how to deal with overprotective jealousy?

A. It does not sound like the story is going to end well here. When you love someone you are always insecure, but too much is a bad omen. Compromise never works because neither one gets what they want so he either gets used to it or gets lost. Send in a pic for the babe page though please.

Question #39: I want to start a webcam site for me and my group of hot bi-curious friends. We "play" together all the time and I want to share it with the 'net. Any suggestions of how to go about this? I am very naieve when it comes to web design and buidling.

A. Find someone whose website you really like and then ask them to help you out...

Question #38: I love to have sex with my boyfriend but lately he has been watching a lot of porn videos and wants to "emulate" what he sees, namely finishing like they do if you catch my drift. Now I am not a prude but I was wondering why guys like this so much, and how can I make him happy? Please help me DEERCRACK experts!!

A. I don't think most guys like this, but seeing it makes you want to try it. It is mostly a control/dominance thing. Besides the women look silly for those few moments where they are waiting... it looks like they are trying to catch a fly with their tongue. Do it once; make him happy. Then he owes you.

Question #36: I want to find a girl I used to know in Canada. Any help with this?

A. There aren't that many people that live in Canada. How hard could it be?

BC TEL Yellow Pages(tm) directory - contains a complete listing of every company in British Columbia, 800 cities and towns.
Canada411 Internet version of Canada's telephone companies' residential white pages and business yellow pages.
Canada Yellow Pages

Question #35: I have a friend named Vince. Some of his friends call him Jim. What do I do?

A. Get over it.

Question #34: I went to a strip club this weekend with my boyfriend for the first time in my life. I was really turned on by the girls there and they were really into me! Now I think I might like to explore a nastier side of me, any advice on how I might get some stripper action?

A. Yeah, send me your phone number.

Question #33: My boyfriend wants me to "trim the hedge" if you know what I mean. What is the shape/style that the boys like these days.currently I have what is affectionately reffered to as the flying V.

A. Every guy is going to be a little different, but you can't go wrong with a little bit of homeplate.

Question #32: Last night after a few too many shots at the bar I went home with what I thought was a nice guy, instead he turned into a jerk and tried to enter my "balloon knot." Are there any steps I can take to make sure guys know that is for exit only?

A. Don't wipe.

Question #31: How does one find out about helping people who live in Siberia?

A. Tell them to move. Or check out these sites:

www.redcross.org/
www.disasterrelief.org/Disasters/010123siberia/
www.culturecenternorthernasia.org/Main.htm#report%20upon
www.helpinternational.de/e/Sibi64e.html

Question #30: can guys and girls maintain a friendship without any physical attraction?

A. No.

All right, maybe that is too harsh. Yes, there can be a friendship without physical attraction if the guy is gay or if the girl is fat.

Question #29: I had a few friends over to go out and they ended up getting really intoxicated. One threw up in my sink and the other threatened to kill me. We haven't hung out since. What should I do to salvage the friendship, without any awkward feelings?

A. It sounds like you have really awesome friends! If your friends are big enough to apologize then you should be big enough to forget it. Try again to see if they are sorry enough to not have a repeat performance, or puke in their sink and see how forgiving they are. Just don't invite them out on 75 cent beer night!

Question #28: How does one maneuver sexually with a one-legged woman? Are there any flashbacks during the aftermath?

A. I got two words for you: Ro. Tisserie. Flashbacks may be caused by a new girlfriend injuring a foot and having to hop around.

Question #27: My girlfriend and I are starting to lose the special bond that makes us boyfriend and girlfriend. How can we strengthen our bond?

A. See question #26. Wait, that is probably a bad idea... Even the strongest of loves become monotonous staying home watching South Park and washing dishes. You need to do things that generate emotional arousal. Scary movies, amusements parks, physical exercise, anything that causes adrenaline to be produced will intensify your feelings. Or you can do what I do and play Spider Solitaire all night.

Question #26: I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 35 weve been together for 4 years, sometimes he talks about threesome or swinging i don't like the thought of sharing him with anyone else, he says he wants to totally please me, and he already does a fine job at it, but hes so into it, it makes me think he wants someone else what do you think? should i worry about him messing around behind my back?

A. I had to wait 5 years to get a question on threesomes! Good times. Adding a person into the fray will ruin the relationship. I guarantee it. If he is truly unsatisfied at 35 then yes you have to worry. Just watch some porno and learn a few new tricks.

Question #25: my girlfriend dumped me a while ago and now all i want to do is drink. what should i do?

A. Stop calling her.

Question #24: Can you get me an Adult Check ID?

A. Well, this advice page has been around for about 3 years, and I get asked this at least once a week, sometimes twice a day. I formatted my computer about 5 months ago so I no longer have the incredible amount of e-mail requesting this so I will just give out the names of the last 20 or so I have received:

Markus Rieger, markus_rieger_1@web.de; pryce, littledevil333@hotmail.com; Wilfried, madmanwilly@hotmail.com; Rico, erealdaya@hotmail.com; sam sneed, sam_s131@yahoo.com; bruno, brunowayne@hotmail.com; Steve, agigabyte@aol.com; Cono, conoto123@hotmail.com; rakesh, ranjit_982000@yahoo.com; slick, dbz6@hotmail.com; Thomas Barker, tozsam99@hotmail.; kenth, kenthcmf@hotmail.com, Alison, alison_99_ie, kit, whiskey_12@excite.com; bryand, zmz100@aol.com; Tortu, tortuno@terra.com; Paul, internet_maniac2000@yahoo.com; jef telf, hydrus99@aol.com; phil, supersayin203@aol.com; Pierre, daskadero@hotmail.com; Maro286@cs.com; Caloupp, caloupp@hotmail.com; newman, amana74@hotmail.com; Rafael, Rafibot@gmx.de; David Rennels, expurt@collegeclub.com; James Spade, jspade@hotmail.com; Shuki, mega_shuki@hotmail.com; robert, robert_w@bigmailbox.net; kariim, kariim_j@yahoo.fr

Since I gave the Adult Check to so many of you it has been cancelled. Fraudulent use or some such nonsense. So now I need one. Can anyone send me one so I can continue this wonderful service, and perhaps send it to all these lovely people listed above?

Question #23: Me and some friends are making a website, about us. On it we want some tunes that show what type of thing we like or find funny.My friend wants 'Now you're a Man' by DVDA (From the Orgazmo soundtrack) to put on his pages. But my website can only put wav files on and I can only find it in mp3 format.How can I change this to wav from mp3 or is there somewhere where I can download a wav version?

A. Check out Download.com.

Question #22: I'll be 20 in two months and I have been getting the strongest urge to get back in touch with people who were in my life and aren't any longer. What do you think about rehashing the past, nostalgia and all that...? Any advice as to if I should try and find the people I keep thinking about?

A. It sounds like you are having a Quarter-Life Crisis! I think about the past a lot and have on several occasions contacted someone I once knew. I cannot think of any bad experiences this caused, but I have sometimes been hurt that the person I contacted does not contact me again afterward. And there is the rare occasion when you re-establish contact with someone and strengthen a bond that had previously been lost that makes it all worthwhile.

Question #21: okay... i have been with this babe for a bout 2yrs now, and weve moved in together... you know appliance and everything...but now it's been 3 yrs.... I love her, vice versa... and she asked for the 'knot'(marry her). Well I know for sure theres a an easy answer... but Im just 24.. help!..need comforting and encouraging.

A. Easy question. No one should get married until at least the age of 25 because you still have things to experience in your life. If you get married now you will regret it the rest of your life. You are young and should be enjoying yourself. And before I get all the hate mail saying how dare I say that, please remember that divorce statistics on young marriages back me up on this one.

Question #20: I have IntelPentiumIII533EB,motherboard IntelCC820,128MB PC100,HD IBM 9,1Gb,adaptec scsi controller,keyboard keytronic800 and mouse A4Tech. Please help me to install Win2000.When I start with installation mouse and keyboard not work. Sorry for bad english I'm from Croatia,and speak Croatian. Thanks !!!

A. I have never installed Windows 2000 or spoken Croatian so I recommend you try Microsoft's website, or better yet their Windows 2000 FAQ website.

Question #19: I burned Ski Resort Tycoon and it won't work. The error message reads--"need original cd". I heard of a crack program but I can't find it. Can you help?

A. Try typing in the game you are looking for at this site.

Question #18: I am very dissappointed with the results that I have achieved with Crack Grass.I followed the directions to the letter with very little results.Now, I didn't just plant one area, I planted three and the results were all the same.I also planted Alpha-rack next to the Crack Grass plots and they've done great and they've been exposed to the same elements.

A. Try visiting www.deer-crack.com.

Question #17: I'm engaged to a nice guy. I am pretty sure I love him, but I don't really know quite what love is, So I'm not real sure. And there is another guy that I still kind of like (I knew him before I met my fiance). We're only friends. But, we have a good connection. And, lately, I've been thinking about what would have happened if we had hooked up before I met my fiance. And now I am really confused. Any suggestions? I know that no one can tell me what to do, and that I should listen to my heart. But I don't think that my heart and I share the same language. So that advice doesn't help me at all. Any other advice you have jim?

A. Don't get married until you are at least 25. You should have everything figured out by then. You still have too much experimenting to do to find out what it is you like and want. You know, like threesomes/foursomes. Seriously, life is too short to not find things out. You can't leave both options open, but you can do some heavy research. Kind of like those old choose your own adventure books where you would make a decision but keep your finger on the one page just in case...

Question #16: Hey, how did you get to know so much about computers? And, I live with three people. My roommate has a comp. and is not very knowledgable about them. Which means I am asked to fix it every time it breaks down (it's a Compaq); since I have the most technical experience. But lately, the hard drive has been running on like 50% about. Sometimes as low as 31%. Even when no programs are actually running. I have gone through and deleted all the files not needed on the hard drive, any clue as to why there is so little space? It is very annoying since when it gets low like that I can't even run Microsoft Word. (And I don't want to hear about how terrible microsoft is, Mr. iMac) Any way to help? Thank you much.

A. Format your hard drive. Or buy more RAM. Or hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete to see just how many programs are running. Or delete your cache.
(OR BUY AN iMAC!)

Question #15: Do you know who Adam Duritz is singing to in Anna Begins? I think it's me...what do you think?

A. He is singing to a girl named Anna who is now married and living in Australia. But if you like I will sing the song to you while playing my guitar. Here is some extra information for you: