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Question #100: Please excuse my english is not great. I hear about this sight from a girl who said deercrack advice is real magic. I have been in US for a two months. I am from Japan back home. I went to buy food at Meiyers I am standing with line and two men tell me :"go home yellow" I don't know what this means? I walked to my bike and followed to flat my tires. I don't understand this people? A. I don't understand this either. Just ignore comments from us stupid americans. We have really large penises. We mean no offense when we call people woksuckers. Question #99: Last night whilst I was tending to my "indoor garden" I got a visit from the local coppers who wanted to inspect my garage. I told them to go suck a cat's paw, and because they didn't have a warrant they said they would be back. What do I do now, they could be bluffing in which case they are probably staking out my house, or they could return in a night or two and stumble across my glaucoma medication. The way I see it I have two options: try to smoke it all up in one night, or burn my house down and move to Florida on the insurance settlement? A or B? A. A. Although since this questions was sent to me over two months ago I am afraid I may have answered too late. How did everything go? I did not see anything in the news. Question #98: My boyfriend has been extra frisky lately, and when I asked him what was up he said he is always worked up in the fall. I being the suspicious type started snooping around his apartment and found amongst some porno and lubricant, a full perscription bottle of viagra!! (he is 24). Should I be concerned that he can't raise his flag without help, or should I just enjoy the extra girth and length? A. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. Maybe I should start clicking on some of the pages of hoo-ha enlargement e-mails I get everday. Question #97: i have a question for you. what does it mean if you computer startsmaking a lot of noise and then one day when you turn it on it says"cannot locate operating system"? is that the hard drivedying????????? A. All right, another computer question! The following procedure should be used from now on for any computer related issues. This procedure will solve any and all computer problems: 1. Restart the computer. If this does not work then go to step 2. Question #96: Ok what do I do if my friend gets drunk and he's really depressed and cryin and stuff. What can I do to get him in a better mood? A. Send him to DeerCrack! This site cheers anyone up! We have something for everyone. But two other things that are always funny are monkeys dressed as people and midgets. Especially Midget Christmas Porn. Question #95: My haircut sucks. No matter how many ways I try to style it or ask for it cut I can't seem to find something that I like. I don't go to Bo-Rics or any other shady place I pay a decent amount of cash for it and I tip well. Any suggestions? (and don't tell me to wear a hat smart ass)I have had some people suggest I find a gay guy to cut it, only because he is a guy and might have some insight. A. Just don't look in the mirror! Then you won't care what your hair looks like! Seriously, I just go to Bo-Rics. Maybe I can get away with that because of my Italian hair though. If you really just want the touch of a woman then I recommend a manicure. Cuticles speak volumes about a man. I did have my hair cut by a guy once, but I don't think he was gay. In fact, at first I thought it was the janitor, and since it was so busy they let him cut a few manes. Just ask your girlfriend(or get a girlfriend), and have her pick out a haircut for you. Question #94: I went out with my "girls" last night. One of my girls, we'll call her Ivana Humpalot, left the building with a guy we know, we'll call him Semore Dupa. They said they were just hanging out, but I think they were making out. What do you think? What is the difference and what came first: the chicken or the egg? A. Well I will use my male intuition here and say that they were probably just hanging out. Although I am certain at least one of them wanted to make out. And the chicken came first. The egg was later developed as a means of survival on land. Question #93: I am looking for some advice, but I don't really have a question. Could you bestow upon me some sort of useful advice? Thank you. A. Never buy bowls whose diameter exceeds the width of your cling wrap. Question #92: How can I purchase HGH, human growth hormone. This substance as I understand it is still legal in the US and I want to use it to get huge! A. I get this question a lot. And I get a lot of e-mail trying to sell it to me too. Anything you receive through e-mail about the benefits of hGH is false. Most of these products are not actually hGH, but they claim to stimulate its production. You can also tell these are false claims based on price. A yearly supply of hGH costs between $10,000 and $15,000. It cannot be taken orally or nasally like some ads suggest because like any other protein it is broken down during digestion into all 20 amino acids. This drug actually does very little for normal people. It really is only meant for hGH-deficient adults whose condition has been caused by pituitary tumors, pituitary surgery or irradiation after surgery. Some side effects include fluid retention in the extremities, carpal tunnel syndrome, joint pain and a level of insulin resistance tending towards diabetes. Question #91: Why do Italians rule so hard? A. Perhaps it is our unbridled passion. Of course it might be our incredible good looks, devilish charm or biting sense of humor... but it is probably our ability to cook(in more ways than one). Question #90: I want to rent a movie tonight: Fletch or Basquiat? A. Fletch. Unless you have a chick over. Then Basquiat. Question #89: Which is bigger, Andre Agassi's forehead or your ego? A. My ego. Question #88: Why do MacIntosh computers kick so much ass? A. Steve jobs is a god. Question #87: How do I explain to my girlfriend what camel toe is? A. I would take a line from the wonderful group Fanny Pack and their classic song "Camel Toe": "I could see her uterus her pants were too tight Question #86: Any advice on how to get rid of horrible backne? A. I am not an expert on this subject, but I hear people have had success using B5-based treatments. Accutane is the big daddy of the medication for that, but it depends on the severity of the case. Question #85: who would you rather go see live in concert if someone (a girlfriend) was forcing you:Carly Simon or Clay Aiken. Remember there is no chance of seeing Carly nude in any way and besides I believe she is like 83. A. Carly Simon -- she has a few good songs. Go see Clay Aiken if you love over-produced power ballads as much as I do. Question #84: Is there an easy way to clean dog shit out of my back yard? A. I recommend a 7 iron. Wait a few days for things to get hard or a really cold day. Question #83: I like to go out on occassion with my friends and my boyfrienddoesn't like it. He doesn't really like to go out at all and he getsjealous all the time of my male friends. Any advice here? I love him and Iam faithful, but I like to party with my friends too. A. Girls cannot have guy friends when they are dating someone. The reason for this is that any guy that is your friend wants to have sex with you. Unless he is gay. Or you are hideously ugly. That is why your boyfriend is upset when you go out with friends and there are guys there. He is a guy so he knows how guys think. If you need me to prove this, the next time you are out with your friends, ask one of the guys if he will have sex with you. Question #82: I have recently finished my training and have obtained the level of Black Belt in Tao Kwon Do. I have spent over 8 years of my life training and learning this martial art. Now that I have reached a level of some skill I have a problem. I want to use it on everyone who even slightly gets on my nerves. I have already sent three close friends to the hospital after too many beers and a fight over the movie "Magnolia" (I thought it sucked a dong, he liked it and got my spin kick to the throat). How do I control myself when I have a lethal weapon honed for my use at all times? A. While I admit that there is nothing quite like good old frontier justice, it sounds like you might have a problem. Either you were in Tae Kwon Do for the wrong reasons, or you were in it for the right reasons and just fell through the cracks. One of the principles behind Tae Kwon Do(also spelled Taekwon-Do or Taekwondo, but not Tao Kwon Do) is self-discipline. I suggest you take up stamp collecting. Question #81: Is there a time tested way to get chicks to show off their goods to me? I don't have any beads or a lot of money, and I am not trying to grope them or anything but I saw Snoop dog on tv last night and all he had to do was ask and hotties were popping their tops left and right. I am not a very good rapper, but I do smoke some cheeba now and then, my hair would look rediculous in braids, and I don't represent the LBC, can I still get to see live amateur tats on real girls without renting a video? A. You'll be paying for it one way or another. Question #80: I have heard many theories and thoughts as to what causes hiccups, but I want the scientific answer here. What causes hiccups and why do I get them after drinking too much Rumplemints? A. No one really knows what causes hiccups(also spelled hiccoughs, but still pronounced hiccups). Sure they are caused by sudden contractions of the diaphragm which is the main muscle of breathing. The glottis(the flappy thing at the top of your throat) suddenly closes when this happens which causes the sound. Hiccups actually start with the phrenic nerve which supplies the diaphragm. Eating or drinking can cause hiccups since the stomach has links with the nerves of breathing. What cures hiccups? There are lots of insane theories, but my favorite is to stick your foot out from under the covers. Question #79: I love Coke and hate pepsi. I mean it. Coke is so much better than pepsi that when I go to a restaurant and they say they have pepsi I want to get up and leave right then. I recently went into my favorite restaurant and was devastated to see that they had switched from Coke to pepsi!! This is total BS and I was wondering if there is anyway I can make them switch back.I know most people say they can't tell the difference or there is very little difference, but I beg to differ, I know that Coke is way better than stinky pepsi. (Sidenote: I notice that Crack's favorite drink is MD and I like MD too, I am simply talking about the cola's here not the expanded product lines) A. Yes, Coke is better. Order something non-carbonated to get your message across to your favorite restuarant. Or bring in your own Coke. Not many places are switching from Coke to Pepsi. The only way Pepsi got into fast food restaurants was to buy whole chain! Pepsi is such a distant second in profit and consumption that they have expanded to Gatorade, chips and instant oatmeal. Coke flopped with New Coke, but has since learned their lesson. Vanilla Coke was a big hit and got them 8 million more people that did not previously drink Coke, while Pepsi was feeling "blue" if you know what i mean. I do have fond memories of Crystal Pepsi though. I wish they would bring that back. Question #78: What do you think the next Mac OS will be called after Panther? I have a few ideas and I want Deercrack to pick the best one: Ocelot, Wombat, Bobcat, Lynx, Cougar, Caracal, Clouded Leopard, Kodkod, Chinchilla, Seriptillian Snake Horse, Neadsfoot Oil, Strontium-9 A. OS X Tabby Question #77: I want to take your advice vice graphic for my site about vices. Can I? (remember if you say no I will just take it anyway!! Also I like the babe page idea and I think I will adopt it for chicks that like vices) A. Are you making fun of my clip art vice and my Typestyler type that I added to it? What kind of graphic designer am i? Maybe someday I will make an actual logo for this page. Some people want my advice, others want my advice graphics! Question #77: I am curious as to when time started. Now I know this sounds like a huge question, but most specifically I wonder when did our standards of time that we use now begin to be used, and most importantly when was it adopted by the entire world. I think this is interesting because how does someone in say Australia know that on such and such a date a historic event occured (remember based on our current system Aus. is a day ahead of the US) so something that occured on Oct. 24, 1244 was actually Oct. 25 in Aus. did they know this? Are there any modern places right now that have a different standard of time? A. This is an easy answer... You have too much time on your hands. Actually, this might be the best question ever received at the advice page. Even if it isn't really asking for advice. Here is a brief history of time:
Here is a link for lots of information on classical time. All this knowledge and I never even wear a watch. Don't forget that there are different calendars as well. Hebrew, Islamic Indian, Chinese and the Julian calendars all use different years. Good times. Question #76: Which is better Epson or HP? A. Canon. Question #75: Can you explain to me the various coding languages in a quick and matter of fact manner. I am not looking to gain overall expertise from this I just want to know what they mean when they say: Perl, Java, SQL, ASP, etc. etc. How might one go about learning these as it pertains to websites and web design in general? A. These are different programming languages. SQL is Structured Query Language and ASP is Active Server Pages. The easiest way to go about learning them is to copy them from web pages and then play around with them until you get them to do what you want. Of course this depends on the amount of basic programming knowledge you have so a good place to start would be the Web Developers Virtual Library. Just don't steal any programming code from DeerCrack! Question #74: One of my balls is much bigger than the other one. After studying them intensely I have determined that my left ball is roughly 3 times the size of my right ball, (I am right handed). What does this mean? A. The best place to examine yourself is in a warm shower. The heat causes the testicles to hang low in the scrotum, making them easier to examine. Gently roll each testicle between your thumb and forefinger. Feel for any lumps and bumps on the surface of the testicles. Make sure you examine the whole surface of the testicle. The testicle should be round, firm, and smooth. You should be able to feel the epididymis and vas deferens. These are tube-like structures that run along the top and back of each testicle. They carry sperm from the testicles to the penis. It is normal for one testicle to be a little larger than the other. It is also normal for one testicle to hang a little lower in the scrotum than the other. You should see a health provider if you notice a lump on one testicle that isn't on the other, if one testicle is much larger than the other, if one testicle is much harder or softer than the other, if you develop swelling or heaviness in the scrotum, or if you have pain in the scrotum or abdomen. Question #73: I enjoy the frosty goodness of a Walgreen's malt cup now and then. Recently I bought a pack of them so I could take them home and eat them at my leisure. When I opened the first cup expecting to see the malty smooth chocolate staring back at me, I instead, was greeted by a half eaten cup with a note that read, "nice try ass-lick hope you ENJOY IT!"I think this may have been intended for a walgreen's employee, but when I took the cup back to the store to get my money back, they accused me of eating the malt cup and fabricating the whole story. I called channel two problem solvers and they told me to go F- myself. What are my choices here Deercrack? A. Seeing as how I used to work in a pharmacy you would think I would know how to get back at the employees. If they have one of those blood pressure checkers it is always fun to put a big shampoo bottle in there. If not, then you could always just put Icy Hot on the toilet seats. Question #72: Can you explain Sushi to me? I want to try some but I don't have any clue how to go about ordering it, and everyone in that restaurant always acts so cool I don't want to seem like an idiot because I have never been to Japan or know what the hell tempora is? A. Tempora is a basket of crispy , light tempora vegetables, served with a sweet sauce. The first rule in eating sushi: It is meant to be eaten. There are some do's and don'ts. Do not ask in a loud, horrified voice: Is that rah feesh??? Do not wipe your face with the washcloth. You eat sushi with your hands; therefore many sushi spots provide a warm washcloth. Do not use it to wash your face, clean your engagement ring or polish your shoes. Don't scarf the wasabi. A common mistake made by Tex-Mex diners for whom a scoop of green has always meant one thing: guacamole! In sushi, the green scoop is wasabi, a nosebleed-hot condiment. You know how some Tex-Mex fans try to outdo each other on hot salsa or raw jalapenos? Not a good idea here. Besides, hot Asian mustards might make your head explode. If you insist on being a macho hothead, choose rolls with devilish names. The sushi rolls that'll bring tears to your eyes and a dead halt to all conversation have names like El Diablo, the Dragon Lady or Lucifer's Folly. Try to eat sushi in one bite. Do not demand that the sushi chef "bring you another Bud." Although you are at a bar, the sushi chef is not a bartender, but a trained professional with tremendous expertise using knives. Just say the following words: "I'll have shrimp sushi, a cucumber roll and a California roll." Nothing raw, nothing scary – consume with confidence. If you want to order in Japanese, try these phrases: "Maguro Kudasai" means "Let me have tuna." Question #71: My wang bleeds when I pee. Last night i got up in the middle of the night and I felt a tremendous burning pain in my bathing suit area. When I went to relieve myself, it felt like someone had taken a straight razor and slit my tool down the shaft lengthwise. Now I try not to pee at all because it hurts so bad. I haven't drank any liquid or eaten soup in over 3 months. I tried putting Icy Hot on my pee hole but that burned like hell fire. What can I do!!?! A. Do not avoid peeing! Have you ever heard of Tycho Brahe?! It could be a bladder infection, testicular cancer, prostate cancer, prostitusor or most likely urethritis. Urethritis can be caused by a sexually transmitted disease but many times urologists can not find a reason for this common symptom. Discharge from the penis can also be seen with your symptoms. Infrequently a passing kidney stone can mimic these symptoms for which you would need a urinalysis. The nerves of the prostate also innervate the tip of the penis so the sensation could be a referred pain from prostate irritation. I would recommend seeing a urologist for a workup. This information is provided for general medical education purposes only. Please consult your physician for diagnostic and treatment options pertaining to your specific medical condition. Question #70: Why didn't you make sure that Advice question #69 has something to do with sex? You guys really let your fans down with this one. Let me frame this in the form of a question: "How can you redeem yourselves in the eyes of your fans Deercrack?" A. Make question 69 something to do with sex? Are you kidding me? DeerCrack would never do something so expected. I just answer the questions in order; I wouldn't want this page to be contrived. Question #69: Can you tell me why the state of Michigan is lowering the legal limit of being impaired while driving to .08 down from .10? Now I am not advocating driving drunk by any means, but I can honestly say if you can't drink two beers in an hour and a half and drive normally you probably shouldn't be behind the wheel period, no? A. It all comes down to money. By lowering the legal BAC, Michigan can receive more money from fines and suspended licenses. Certainly officials will say they are trying to save lives, but they could stop drunk driving if they really wanted to. You have probably noticed(if you were not drunk) that Michigan has some of the worst roads(which might make you feel like you are drunk), and it has already lost millions in federal road grants. Question #68: I like beer a lot, but I am starting to feel that I need to drink before I do anything. I mean I don't even remember getting married to my wife Ramona. How do I know when enuffznuff? A. Ramona, come closer, shed softly your watering eyes. The world is a gutter. Does anyone really get any of these references? Enough is when you cannot remember driving home or you end up waking up to someone that is unworthy of the babe page. Question #67: I would just like to know how you can give advice on dating when you yourself don't date that often? If you dated all the time, I could see you giving advice. But, I know that you don't! Sorry, I just thought that I should point that out to all these people who are desperately needing good advice for dating! Why are trying to get advise from you anyway? I mean, come on people! Too much time on your HANDS or what? A. People probably listen to me because I can use proper sentence construction as well as noun and verb agreement. That certainly helps legitimacy. Also, you obviously do not know my experience, but the simple fact that you e-mailed me shows the amount of time you have. Learn how to spell! This sounds like someone I dumped long ago... Question #66: I have this problem. When a girl goes down on me, I get so relaxed that I let out this little turd. She gets grossed out but I can't help it. What can I do? A. Triple ripple butt plug. Question #65: I really like this girl i met a while back, but a friend and I got really drunk and acted like real idiots in front of her and her friend and i haven't talked to her since. Is there any way to make it up to her? A. See question #54. Question #64: Is it wrong to still download MP3's? A. As long as you don't download country music. Or western. You could also just not share any music, but that sort of defeats the purpose of file sharing. Question #63: I am putting new trim in my bathroom. Which is better 1/2 inch or 3/4 inch? A. I'll tell you the right trim to put in your bathroom. I'll tell you right now! 7/8 inch. Question #62: I have a shelving unit in my house that consists of built in pieces mounted to the wall. Recently one of these broke and I now need to replace it. I went to the lumber yard before I realized I had neglected to measure the piece that I needed. While I was there I noted the standard sizes of lumber 1x3, 2x4, etc. When I got back home and measured the shelf it measured .75" x 2.5" (slightly smaller than a 1x3) Is it the case that the lumber yard just rounds up to the larger size for ease of naming or are my shelves oddly sized. It doesn't seem to make sense that someone would take the time to take .25" inches off of a piece of lumber for no good reason. A. The true measurement of a 2x4 is actually about 1.5x3.5. When the board is first rough sawn from the log, it is a true 2x4, but the drying process and planing of the board reduce it to the finished 1.5x3.5 size. The lumber is then sold as a "2x4" because the cost of the drying and machining are figured in. It is also much easier to refer to a board as a "2x4", rather than a "1.5x3.5". Question #61: I enjoy tuna fish sandwiches. I especially like albacore. My roommate and I have an ongoing bet that I need you to settle. I like to make my tuna with lite mayo and celery and onions. Get this he swears that I am strange and that the proper way to make an albacore sandwich is with mustard not mayo? Am I right that he is a disturbingly deranged freak or have I gone off the deep end? A. Mayo is defintely the more common recipe. Some people just really like mustard. And let's face it, anyone who is crazy about mayo definitely swallows. Question #60: How often should one change the strings on their guitar? Is the time frame different for acoustic as opposed to electric? What is the DEERCRACK string brand of choice? A. I buy new strings when there is too much green buildup on the copper! Electric does not need to be replaced as often because they almost always use steel strings. I usually buy whatever is on sale. But nothing too cheap, and I prefer medium guage strings as well since I tend to break the light ones. Although I have never broken a G string... Question #59: I am a huge fan of bacon. I know this sounds weird but I really like it. Everything I have ever read says that bacon is horrible for you because of the fat and cholesterol, but here is my dilema. My grandfather is 87 years old and he has been a farmer all of his life. Ever since the age of 8 he has had three square meals a day, with breakfast consisting of two eggs with bacon. So doing some rough calculations... let's see carry the two, yeah he has eating a MASSIVE amount of bacon. He has never had any major health problems other that an unfortunate combine incident, so what gives. He still works every day tending to the farm at age 87!!! How can this be if bacon is so bad for you. (Writing this has made me hungry for a BLT) A. Humans are carnivors so our digestive system through millions of years has been designed to digest meat. Surveys done of people over the age of 100 show they are all meat eaters, usually at least twice a day. Intaking large amounts of bacon, however, is not one of the best ways to meet your health needs. Certainly a study of people who eat MASSIVE amounts of bacon will not find many people who reach the age of 87. Question #58: I recently met a guy through a work situation and we began corresponding via e-mail. At first it was for work related things, but then it became more of a "friendly" banter. He has now asked me to "hang out" and I'm thinking that he means a date. I'm not that physically attracted to him, so I don't really want to do it, plus it will make work strange if it doesn't work out. What is the nicest way of telling him this so that things are strange in our work relationship? A. Tell him you don't dip from the company pool. Or fish off the company pier. Work relationships are ALWAYS a bad idea. Just start talking about how you used to work with a guy you dated, and you ended up having to file a sexual-harrassment suit against him. That should scare this guy off. Question #57: I dream I am in florida with 3 friends of mine and we meet these hot girls and one of the girls is actually engaged and her fiance finds out that she hooked up, somewhat, with one of my friends, and he's in the mafia, and chases down my friend. how should my friend react?? A. If you ever find yourself in one of these situations, make sure you ask yourself,"Is she worth it?" I recommend that if you are ever chased down by a mafia guy, be very nice, and very honest. I guarantee he already knows the answers to all the questions he is going to ask you. It is also a good idea if you have a dog with little white hairs since the guy will probably be wearing all black. Question #56: I had a professor in college and he was a huge fan of bikes. I was wondering if it was appropriate to send a letter to the editor of my local paper asking him to inquire about doing a story on bike riding as it pertains to male sperm count, and possibly solicit a comment from said professor? A. This depends on the purpose of the article. If you are an Olympic-level, long-distance cyclist, it is theoretically possible (although not clinically proven) that the extra heat, jostling, and grinding on the testicular region will affect sperm count. Extreme mountain biking can also damage your wedding tackle. Recreational cyclists need not worry, however. Question #55: I am an extremely attractive Latina woman who needs some love advice. I have a boyfriend of 3 years and I love him very much, but lately we have not been "connecting" as much as I want or need. Last week I bumped into a guy that I used to have a huge crush on and he flirted with me as we exchanged e-mail addresses. Now I sneak down to my computer to have internet sex with this guy behind my boyfriends back. Yesterday he caught me and instead of getting mad asked if I wanted to get together with my friend while he sat in the closet and punished the bishop.I feel weird about it, but a part of me wants to have perverted-monkey sex with this new fling. Should I ? A. I have a feeling you already know the answer to this and are just seeking the DeerCrack approval. So please just make sure that all your internet romances are done on the DeerCrack chat page so we can all keep up with your progress. Question #54: I recently got back from a trip to Rio De Janiero and wow were the girls amazing there. I had no idea when I went but apparently the girls down there PREFER backdoor action over standard fare. Any advice on how to get that special American lady to be more Rio-style? Come on Deercrack like you haven't asked? A. See question 49. Question #53: I am looking to buy a new refridgerator magnet. I don't have any right now and I want something that says who I am and what I like. I am a huge fan of britney spears but not of her singing. Is it appropriate for me to purchase a britney spears refridgerator magnet when I am not a "traditional" fan of her work. I am afraid that my friends will think I am a panty waist. A. Britney long ago earned the DeerCrack approval. Question #52: which phrase do guys prefer: have sex, make love, get it on, do the nasty, hump like rabbits, love you long time, wrecking the porthole, or making babies? Just wondering because I want to ask someone special to "INSERT FAVORITE GUY PHRASE HERE" tonight and I want him to think I know what guys like (I can take it from there :) A. Pork. Question #51: I love your site it rocks! It is really cool, but I am a little confused and I was wondering if you could tell me what the girl in question #46 was talking about (I am a blonde by the way). Why would she yell out for someone to "teabag" her? What does that mean? I am sure it has nothing to do with an actual teabag. I asked my dad and he didn't know either. My friend Becky said it has something to do with a guys ball sack, is that true? A. Yes. |